The Tater Tot
Index
At long last, a unified system for measuring the cost of modern life — denominated in the most honest unit available to the American household: the crisped, golden cylinder.
The Honest Currency of the Pantry
For seventy years, the American family has been asked to weigh the cost of a home against a tank of fuel; a wedding against a college education; an automobile against a hospital stay. The Council finds this confusion unnecessary. Tater TotsTaters Seasoned Shredded Potatoes — crisped, golden, and standardized to 8.5 grams — provides a unit so reliable, so universal, that no further conversion is required. We humbly submit the following Index.
Daily Sustenance
Reconsider the everyday meal.
A Specialty Coffee
"Enough golden cylinders to fill the cup four times — and you would still be awake."
The morning ritual, reconsidered.
A Fast Food Combo Meal
"Three trays' worth of tots, served at the temperature only the drive-thru can promise."
Why settle for a single patty?
Brunchtime Avocado Toast
"A heaping mound of tots that overflows the plate and reaches the rim of the water glass."
A modern indulgence, recontextualized.
A Family's Weekly Groceries
"Tots filling every paper bag the cashier can produce — and a few of the plastic ones besides."
An entire shopping cart, denominated in starch.
A Single Subway Fare
"A modest handful — to be eaten before the train arrives, certainly before the next stop."
The price of admission to the city beneath the city.
A Craft Cocktail
"A heaping mound of tots — sufficient to soak up the very drink you elected not to order."
Hand-shaken, hand-priced, reconsidered.
Recurring Indulgences
The monthly toll, denominated in starch.
A Streaming Service, Monthly
"A monthly bag of tots, standing in for the streaming queue you have not actually watched."
What the prestige drama costs, weighed in starch.
A Monthly Gym Membership
"A month's worth of tots — caloric mockery of the very membership in question."
The treadmill goes unused. The tots do not.
A Newspaper Subscription
"A serving of tots large enough to read alongside, with one hand free for either."
The morning paper, weighed in golden cylinders.
The Family Streaming Bundle
"Sufficient tots to feed the entire household through the season finale, with leftovers."
Every screen in the house, monthly.
A Daily Coffee Habit, Monthly
"A month's worth of tots — the equivalent caffeine intake from sheer chewing satisfaction."
Thirty mornings, each $6.50 the wiser.
Personal Transport
Move yourself, or feed yourself.
A Tank of Regular Unleaded
"Thirteen kilos of crisped potato — heavier than a full tank of fuel itself."
Are you fueling the car, or the driver?
A Cross-Town Rideshare
"A bucket of tots large enough to share with both the driver and his next two passengers."
Twenty minutes of your time, in tot terms.
A Reliable Used Sedan
"Tots filling the cabin floor-to-ceiling, packing the trunk, and overflowing onto the driveway."
Ten years of dependable service, valued plainly.
A New Electric Sedan
"Enough tots to bury the entire vehicle nearly to the roofline in golden cylinders."
Range anxiety, but for snacks.
Hearth & Home
The four walls, recast in starch.
A Month's Rent in the City
"Tots filling the refrigerator twice over — and the freezer thrice."
Six hundred square feet, denominated in starch.
A 2,000 Sq. Ft. Family Home
"Spread across the home's footprint, the equivalent buries every floor under nearly two feet of tots."
The American dream, recast in golden cylinders.
A Backyard Inground Pool
"Tots enough to fill the shallow end, end-to-end, lane-line to lane-line."
Summertime luxury, reconsidered.
A 10,000 Sq. Ft. Estate
"Tots covering every square foot of the estate four feet deep — pantry to portico."
Luxury living, in its proper accounting.
Modern Conveniences
Today's gadgetry, weighed against tradition.
A New Premium Smartphone
"A pile of tots that outweighs the phone by a factor of two hundred."
Pocket-sized device, pocket-sized accounting?
A Professional Laptop
"Tots enough to fill ten backpacks brimming over the zipper."
Modern computation, weighed against tradition.
A 65-inch 4K Television
"A wall of tots, sized exactly to the screen, five full inches thick."
The big screen, in its starchier denomination.
A New Virtual Reality Headset
"A box of tots large enough to obscure the user's vision entirely."
Immersion you can taste.
A PlayStation 5
"Tots filling the console's box twelve times — and far easier to share with a sibling."
Eight teraflops of processing, weighed in starch.
A Pair of AirPods Pro
"A small bowl of tots — quieter, but more nourishing."
Pocket-sized audio, pocket-sized accounting.
Matters of the Body
What it costs to remain alive.
An Emergency Room Visit
"Tots filling the very chair you sat in, with enough left over to share with the triage nurse."
Four hours in the waiting room, weighed properly.
A Family's Annual Health Insurance
"An entire garage filled with tots — and the deductible has, as yet, not been met."
The premium paid before the deductible is met.
A Single MRI
"Tots filling the scanner tube itself — at considerably less expense per slice."
Forty minutes of imaging, in starch terms.
An Ambulance Ride
"A gurney piled high with tots — the patient ride included, the bill arriving separately."
Six miles, lights and sirens, properly accounted for.
A Monthly Generic Prescription
"The pill bottle, recapped — and replaced, capacity for capacity, with crisped cylinders."
Thirty pills, once daily, in tot terms.
Leisure & Ceremony
Special occasions deserve special accounting.
A Stadium Concert Seat
"Three five-gallon buckets of tots — your row will thank you."
Front-row entertainment, reconsidered.
The Average American Wedding
"Six thousand tots per guest. The caterer is dismissed."
A celebration of starch, and starch alone.
A Week at the Beach
"Tots enough to line the beach umbrella's perimeter and feed the seagulls for hours."
Family memories, weighed against family meals.
An Average American Funeral
"Tots enough to feed every guest in attendance — and the deceased, were the matter not concluded."
The final transaction, denominated in starch.
An Uncontested Divorce
"Tots sufficient to be divided, equitably, between two newly separate households."
A clean split, in the most stable unit available.
A Round at a Public Course
"Enough tots to share with the foursome, and the cart girl besides."
Eighteen holes, fully accounted for.
The Hours of Labor
The dollar per hour. The tot per hour.
An Hour at Federal Minimum Wage
"A snack-sized bag — to be eaten standing, on the fifteen-minute break."
Sixty minutes of labor, before withholding.
An Hour at the Median Wage
"A bag of tots earned per hour — taxes, of course, applied to both."
What an average American hour is worth.
An Hour of Psychotherapy
"A heaping plate of tots — comfort eating is, in its own way, a treatment plan."
Fifty-three minutes of clinical attention.
An Hour of a Top NYC Attorney
"A bushel of tots per minute of legal advice — chew while you listen."
Sixty minutes of billable counsel.
A Worker's Lifetime Earnings
"An entire career's compensation — converted, at last, to its caloric form."
Forty-five years of labor, in their proper unit.
Civic Expenditures
The collective accounting.
One Pupil's Year of Public Education
"Tots filling a classroom desk for every student in the grade — pop quiz on starch content forthcoming."
K through 12, prorated to the year.
An F-35 Lightning II
"Tots filling the entire fuselage, the wings, and a generous portion of the runway."
Fifth-generation tactical airpower, weighed in tots.
An Average Senate Campaign
"Enough tots to canvass every voter in the state — door-to-door, individually delivered."
The cost of a six-year term, won.
A Mars Rover Mission
"A continuous bridge of tots reaching well past the Moon — the Mars connection remains aspirational."
Interplanetary science, properly accounted for.
A Nuclear-Powered Submarine
"An ocean of tots, sealed beneath the waves, undetectable to radar."
Strategic deterrence, weighed in starch.
Life's Great Outlays
The big-ticket choices, in their proper unit.
The Median Annual U.S. Salary
"A bedroom-sized cube of tots, eight feet on every side."
A year of labor, weighed plainly.
One Year of Private College
"Six thousand tots per day for the entire academic year. The dining plan is moot."
An education, denominated in tots.
Lifetime Healthcare Costs
"A lifetime supply — the medical attention may, in fact, follow."
The cost of staying alive, in golden cylinders.
The Median U.S. Home Sale Price
"Tots numbering nearly ten million. The mortgage application is hereby withdrawn."
What the average American door costs to walk through.
Have a Purchase to Reconsider?
The Council provides a calculator for the citizen who wishes to apply the Index to their own personal expenditures.
Open the Calculator